I do not know what I was expecting, having never done that before, in quite that way.
But since my imagination came up with nothing, there wasn't a lot of fear, just a curiously detached discomfort. And nothing really came of it.
I talked with my supervisor about the time frames and her expectations of me over the next two weeks. Dealt with the shocked reactions of the few I told. All understood that this is just not the place I belong for the rest of my working days, and that I have much more to offer in a different realm.
My team lead and friend was the hardest to tell and her reaction was difficult to respond to. Tears enough to make her walk away for a time....but maybe this will help her make the decision to move as well. She has skills that aren't appreciated, and there is no where for her to go in the current structure. I hope she can make the move too.
Talked to the gay man who hired me and has since become a friend, and we talked too of the internalized homophobia within this particular corporate culture. He functions much more invisible than I, but then he is still young, and trying to make something of himself. I haven't allowed that to color my experience there, but then I was never on a fast track either.
There are a few more people I want to tell personally, and then let the chips fall where they may.
I have a bright new shiny resume, from a list friend....and although it is quite different from anything I would have ever come up with myself, I really like it and will try it on for size. There are a couple of jobs that are out there to try it out on.
and so it goes.....
Monday, June 27, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
The first step
Well folks, I did it.
Left the letter of resignation on her desk.
Now its up to the powers that be to show the way.
Monday morning should be interesting.
Left the letter of resignation on her desk.
Now its up to the powers that be to show the way.
Monday morning should be interesting.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
The Power of Three
Third time's a charm?
Suzanne thinks so.
3 names I go by:
Cris, Mom, Mams
3 screen-names I've had:
Crisnik, Crismoon, Moonshadow
3 physical things I like about myself:
my eyes, my smile, my hands
3 physical things I dislike about myself:
my body, my body, my body
3 parts of my heritage:
Danish, Irish, French Canadian
3 things I am wearing right now:
shorts, a tank top and my rings
3 things I want in a relationship:
friendship, intelligence, support
3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:
softness, sensibilities, breasts
3 of my favorite hobbies:
reading, my mac, crafts
3 things I want to do really badly right now:
go back to bed, find a new job, take a vacation
3 things that scare me:
stinging things, being poor, GW
3 of my everyday essentials:
Diet Dr Pepper, my email, human contact
3 places you want to go on vacation:
East coast US, West Coast US, Down Under
3 kids' names you like:
Michael, Elisabeth, Traci
3 things you want before you die:
enough to be comfortable, my kids to all be on speaking terms at the same time,
3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:
i like girls, i like girls, i like girls :)
3 ways I am stereotypically a girl:
i don't like to get dirty, I love to cook, my purse (or what ever bag I am carrying) has "everything" in it.
3 celeb crushes:
Lindsay Wagner, Tyne Daly, Kate Hepburn
Suzanne thinks so.
3 names I go by:
Cris, Mom, Mams
3 screen-names I've had:
Crisnik, Crismoon, Moonshadow
3 physical things I like about myself:
my eyes, my smile, my hands
3 physical things I dislike about myself:
my body, my body, my body
3 parts of my heritage:
Danish, Irish, French Canadian
3 things I am wearing right now:
shorts, a tank top and my rings
3 things I want in a relationship:
friendship, intelligence, support
3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:
softness, sensibilities, breasts
3 of my favorite hobbies:
reading, my mac, crafts
3 things I want to do really badly right now:
go back to bed, find a new job, take a vacation
3 things that scare me:
stinging things, being poor, GW
3 of my everyday essentials:
Diet Dr Pepper, my email, human contact
3 places you want to go on vacation:
East coast US, West Coast US, Down Under
3 kids' names you like:
Michael, Elisabeth, Traci
3 things you want before you die:
enough to be comfortable, my kids to all be on speaking terms at the same time,
3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:
i like girls, i like girls, i like girls :)
3 ways I am stereotypically a girl:
i don't like to get dirty, I love to cook, my purse (or what ever bag I am carrying) has "everything" in it.
3 celeb crushes:
Lindsay Wagner, Tyne Daly, Kate Hepburn
Monday, June 20, 2005
this really is a crazy world.
in the same website, dedicated to news, we have the horrifying story of a young boy needing to use a gun to keep his mother safe from his father, and the stupid story about an actor being squirted in the face with water during a supposed interview.
the worst part about it....the actor got top billing.
no wonder we worry about skewed persepectives.
the worst part about it....the actor got top billing.
no wonder we worry about skewed persepectives.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
It's time to make the move
i am going to do it. next week.
i have set myself a deadline.
i will write the letter this weekend, and leave it on her desk on friday next.
i am terrified that i won't find another job, but i have to end this insanity.
i do not want to be there.
i am miserable most days from start to finish.
i do not like what i do.
i am not using the skills i possess in any way for my job.
i do not respect my supervisor or the company.
my supervisor pays lip service to rules and plays favorites, and the company has business practices that i find morally reprehensible.
i do not want this level of stress every day over and over again.
the workload continues to increase exponentially, and management is not willing to spend the money to staff sufficiently to allow us to work within our capacities
i do not believe what i am doing contributes positively to the betterment of anything.
currently i am exhausted, and miserable and stressed out of my tree. i have to begin to trust that there is something out there that is right for me, and if i don't give it the opportunity, i might not find it.
i have set myself a deadline.
i will write the letter this weekend, and leave it on her desk on friday next.
i am terrified that i won't find another job, but i have to end this insanity.
i do not want to be there.
i am miserable most days from start to finish.
i do not like what i do.
i am not using the skills i possess in any way for my job.
i do not respect my supervisor or the company.
my supervisor pays lip service to rules and plays favorites, and the company has business practices that i find morally reprehensible.
i do not want this level of stress every day over and over again.
the workload continues to increase exponentially, and management is not willing to spend the money to staff sufficiently to allow us to work within our capacities
i do not believe what i am doing contributes positively to the betterment of anything.
currently i am exhausted, and miserable and stressed out of my tree. i have to begin to trust that there is something out there that is right for me, and if i don't give it the opportunity, i might not find it.
Comments anyone?
when i started this blog thing, i convinced myself that comments really didn't matter. and when i began to get comments, i was thrilled.
the silence is deafening.
maybe everyone is out enjoying the weather?
the silence is deafening.
maybe everyone is out enjoying the weather?
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
It was a wonderful pride celebration. The whole festival grounds were filled with such positive queer energy. There were lesbians and gays, dykes and boi's, leathermen and a few leather wimmin, there were queens and trannies and young and old and str8 and not so str8. There were fabulous rainbows of people and products, there were sun fried neon people and those with deep tans, there were pasty white folks who slathered on sun lotion, there were African American, Asian, Latin American, and all who fall somewhere inside and outside the usual descriptions.
We saw friends and family of choice, people we only see once a year or so, people we see every day and hordes of people we will never see again.
This wasnt our town, but it was the town I grew up in....and its only 90 miles away.
We will have our Pride weekend in a month.....but it is the first of the big ones within driving distance.
There were of course the drunks and the assholes....no event would be complete without them, but there weren't too many while we were there.
If its something you have never done before....experienced an energy that is about feeling like you have come home, like you belong, then this will be just words for you. but those of us who have will always remember and cherish each time we can experience it.
and then reality....the weekend is over. the same BS in all the world, near and far. {sigh} Sometimes I wonder if we really want to be a part of the rest of society...
We saw friends and family of choice, people we only see once a year or so, people we see every day and hordes of people we will never see again.
This wasnt our town, but it was the town I grew up in....and its only 90 miles away.
We will have our Pride weekend in a month.....but it is the first of the big ones within driving distance.
There were of course the drunks and the assholes....no event would be complete without them, but there weren't too many while we were there.
If its something you have never done before....experienced an energy that is about feeling like you have come home, like you belong, then this will be just words for you. but those of us who have will always remember and cherish each time we can experience it.
and then reality....the weekend is over. the same BS in all the world, near and far. {sigh} Sometimes I wonder if we really want to be a part of the rest of society...
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Pride. What does it mean?
Its Pride month. Cities all over the globe are having marches and parades and festivals and rallies and just in general celebrations. Some communities are celebrating early, some late, but its something we all do. But why? Some think its about making a spectacle, some think its just a big party, and some of us just want a place where we can be, who we are, as we are.
I went to a local Pride committee organizational meeting. Talk about a comedy of errors. But its a group of involved individuals who care and who want to have a local celebration that means something. Organization is not their strong point, tho an old friend who is an organizers is on board and is trying to make a difference. Problem is that the business man (the club owner of the bigger bar in town) thinks that this is a good thing for his business...and is focused on making money for himself.....his heart is in it, but his wallet is also one of his primary focuses. Then there are the people who want the glory (don't get me started on the glory hounds) and there are a few who just want it to be a good event. And it will be. Because its what we have.
But again, why do we do it? Why do we get involved? I know for myself, its about wanting the future to be different than the past. I have to admit, I am one of the lucky ones. I have never dealt with the overt homophobia that many have. My look is not as identifiable, my lifestyle has been more focused on things that are more "socially acceptable", like parenting. But there is the side of me that is the activist....that takes the risks, that marches, that identifies as a Lesbian publicly, that works for the organizations that work for the causes.
To me Pride is about being able to be myself without fear. Pride is about not allowing those people who make judgements about others to take away our rights. Pride is about knowing that my friends and I can live in the world as who we are without fear. Pride is also about teaching others. Teaching people that we are not as different as they fear we are. We live and love and work and play, we have families and dreams and relationships. Pride is about holding hands in public, and not having to have special documents that allow us to visit our loved ones in the hospitals, its about being able to parent our children, and protect them from the harassment of people who would deny their families. Pride is about being allowed to be proud of who we are, and not having to be marginalized by a vocal minority who wants to tell people how to live their lives.
There are those in our multifaceted community who wonder why we need to do anything. After all there have been so many changes in the recent past, many of us live out in the world and have no issues. But they need to remember that first, as those rights have been given to us, there are many who would have them taken from us....and second, there are many in the world who don't have any of those rights, many who live in fear every day. For myself, for my children, for my friends, for my peers, my sisters and brothers and even for those who fight against us because they don't know us, for all of us, these Pride events are important.
So, go out and celebrate, and if you cant do that, support those who will, and if you cant do that, at the very least, don't undermine those of us who do.
I went to a local Pride committee organizational meeting. Talk about a comedy of errors. But its a group of involved individuals who care and who want to have a local celebration that means something. Organization is not their strong point, tho an old friend who is an organizers is on board and is trying to make a difference. Problem is that the business man (the club owner of the bigger bar in town) thinks that this is a good thing for his business...and is focused on making money for himself.....his heart is in it, but his wallet is also one of his primary focuses. Then there are the people who want the glory (don't get me started on the glory hounds) and there are a few who just want it to be a good event. And it will be. Because its what we have.
But again, why do we do it? Why do we get involved? I know for myself, its about wanting the future to be different than the past. I have to admit, I am one of the lucky ones. I have never dealt with the overt homophobia that many have. My look is not as identifiable, my lifestyle has been more focused on things that are more "socially acceptable", like parenting. But there is the side of me that is the activist....that takes the risks, that marches, that identifies as a Lesbian publicly, that works for the organizations that work for the causes.
To me Pride is about being able to be myself without fear. Pride is about not allowing those people who make judgements about others to take away our rights. Pride is about knowing that my friends and I can live in the world as who we are without fear. Pride is also about teaching others. Teaching people that we are not as different as they fear we are. We live and love and work and play, we have families and dreams and relationships. Pride is about holding hands in public, and not having to have special documents that allow us to visit our loved ones in the hospitals, its about being able to parent our children, and protect them from the harassment of people who would deny their families. Pride is about being allowed to be proud of who we are, and not having to be marginalized by a vocal minority who wants to tell people how to live their lives.
There are those in our multifaceted community who wonder why we need to do anything. After all there have been so many changes in the recent past, many of us live out in the world and have no issues. But they need to remember that first, as those rights have been given to us, there are many who would have them taken from us....and second, there are many in the world who don't have any of those rights, many who live in fear every day. For myself, for my children, for my friends, for my peers, my sisters and brothers and even for those who fight against us because they don't know us, for all of us, these Pride events are important.
So, go out and celebrate, and if you cant do that, support those who will, and if you cant do that, at the very least, don't undermine those of us who do.
The Yard
This was the back yard pre-wedding. It is huge, and worked out perfectly for the event. This is also the first test of Flickr.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Family is a loaded word in my household.
To me, family is my family of choice. Those people I have chosen to be in my daily circle of people.
My children and grandchildren will always be part of my family, even when they choose not to be part of the daily life. In the rest of the circle, biology has nothing to do with it.
I have not had a relationship with my mother for some time....she seems to have decided that is N's fault, as I would never do that to her...but in truth it is 100% my choice. My mother has a tendency to do what suits her, regardless of the impact on anyone else. She has chosen to focus her energy on my boys and how they can be there for her, and forget that they have to grow up on their own....and she has a relationship with my ex that makes me uncomfortable, but he feeds her ego. I find it all a bit strange, and well I will leave it at that. They can have each other....all of them. I don't need the BS in my life.
My former in-laws and I really have no relationship save that connection with my children. I still have a special place in my heart for them, but their choice was to support their son (to be expected) and ignore the realities. I ended my marriage to their son for reasons they didn't want to understand (and he didn't want them to know), and it had nothing to do with me. As it turned out, it was the best thing for me to do, it allowed me to understand a bit more about myself and to come out. But from the outsider perspective, I was the bad guy, and became the pariah. I find out about health issues of the elders and deaths through my kids, if at all...and that is a bit disconcerting.
My sister is my only other biological family. She and I look like family, and have similar mannerisms, but the similarity ends there. She is a yuppie (does that date me or what!), with all of the trappings. A college degree she doesn't use, a lifestyle that I could never live...all the go, go, go and keeping up with the Joneses. We are very different. We love each other dearly, but don't have a lot in common.
I am much better with family of choice. My family of choice at the moment is comprised of a few of the blond kid's friends who adopted me, and a few of the guys N works with....guys who just need someone in their lives who care, and give back the care as well. These people have no airs, no issues with "things", they care and they think, and they focus on life as it is right now.
This weekend, the biological family and the family of choice crossed paths. There were no fireworks or clashes, but there was a reaffirmation of my choices.
My children and grandchildren will always be part of my family, even when they choose not to be part of the daily life. In the rest of the circle, biology has nothing to do with it.
I have not had a relationship with my mother for some time....she seems to have decided that is N's fault, as I would never do that to her...but in truth it is 100% my choice. My mother has a tendency to do what suits her, regardless of the impact on anyone else. She has chosen to focus her energy on my boys and how they can be there for her, and forget that they have to grow up on their own....and she has a relationship with my ex that makes me uncomfortable, but he feeds her ego. I find it all a bit strange, and well I will leave it at that. They can have each other....all of them. I don't need the BS in my life.
My former in-laws and I really have no relationship save that connection with my children. I still have a special place in my heart for them, but their choice was to support their son (to be expected) and ignore the realities. I ended my marriage to their son for reasons they didn't want to understand (and he didn't want them to know), and it had nothing to do with me. As it turned out, it was the best thing for me to do, it allowed me to understand a bit more about myself and to come out. But from the outsider perspective, I was the bad guy, and became the pariah. I find out about health issues of the elders and deaths through my kids, if at all...and that is a bit disconcerting.
My sister is my only other biological family. She and I look like family, and have similar mannerisms, but the similarity ends there. She is a yuppie (does that date me or what!), with all of the trappings. A college degree she doesn't use, a lifestyle that I could never live...all the go, go, go and keeping up with the Joneses. We are very different. We love each other dearly, but don't have a lot in common.
I am much better with family of choice. My family of choice at the moment is comprised of a few of the blond kid's friends who adopted me, and a few of the guys N works with....guys who just need someone in their lives who care, and give back the care as well. These people have no airs, no issues with "things", they care and they think, and they focus on life as it is right now.
This weekend, the biological family and the family of choice crossed paths. There were no fireworks or clashes, but there was a reaffirmation of my choices.
Photobucket?
Ok, so I am working on getting the photo thing figured out.
This is just a first try!
Obviously it needs some refinement. This will happen.....at some point :)
It's interesting tho....on my PC at work, the photos shove the lists down to the bottom of the page, and here on my Mac, they just scoot underneath!
I will never understand the differences.....
This is just a first try!
Obviously it needs some refinement. This will happen.....at some point :)
It's interesting tho....on my PC at work, the photos shove the lists down to the bottom of the page, and here on my Mac, they just scoot underneath!
I will never understand the differences.....
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The wedding is over....whew!
There was no major blood shed, only a few temper meltdowns, and in the end the house looked great, the yard looked great, the bride and groom and all the kids looked great and the maid of honor knocked them dead (had the thrice married Judge flirting with her)
When I can figure out how to get photos up, I will try to share a bit. But right now I want to sleep....forever!
Oh and the drag show entertainment was AWESOME! The blond kid's had a blast with it....the adopted big brothers who put on the show were fantastic, the buglet recognized her adopted "uncles" and grinned wildly throughout the show (and got a few special kisses from them too) and even the str8 and narrow x-in-laws handled it well, save the cow that is my former sister-in-law.
When I can figure out how to get photos up, I will try to share a bit. But right now I want to sleep....forever!
Oh and the drag show entertainment was AWESOME! The blond kid's had a blast with it....the adopted big brothers who put on the show were fantastic, the buglet recognized her adopted "uncles" and grinned wildly throughout the show (and got a few special kisses from them too) and even the str8 and narrow x-in-laws handled it well, save the cow that is my former sister-in-law.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Radio silence
If I've seemed rather quiet of late, I have been. It's about being consumed by the event of the year. The blond kid's wedding.
"Oh Mom, you wont have to do a thing" she told me...when she asked if she could have the wedding in our back yard....and we all know how that story goes. For the last month, most all spare time has been put to some project that has to get done before the wedding! Be it a house project or a wedding specific project, they are all happinin' NOW!
Add to that, the concept that its the spring/summer explosion of events and projects for all the various volunteer activities, other volunteers who for whatever reason don't live up to their committments, and a couple of really late nights putting things together at the last minute, and you have a recipe for chaos.
The final stressor is that the blond kid and her best friend Music Girl are not faring well at the moment. They come from two different worlds, they met as teens and bonded, and have gone on into two very different worlds. MG is symphony musician, the blond kid wants to do the home and family thing. One is settled and about to get married...struggling to make ends meet, the other getting ready to jet away to her home country, then to Europe to spend time with her sister and then back to Canada, where she works. Their differences are so great when they are face to face but when they have some distance, they are each others best support and best friends.
It's just never a dull moment around here.
"Oh Mom, you wont have to do a thing" she told me...when she asked if she could have the wedding in our back yard....and we all know how that story goes. For the last month, most all spare time has been put to some project that has to get done before the wedding! Be it a house project or a wedding specific project, they are all happinin' NOW!
Add to that, the concept that its the spring/summer explosion of events and projects for all the various volunteer activities, other volunteers who for whatever reason don't live up to their committments, and a couple of really late nights putting things together at the last minute, and you have a recipe for chaos.
The final stressor is that the blond kid and her best friend Music Girl are not faring well at the moment. They come from two different worlds, they met as teens and bonded, and have gone on into two very different worlds. MG is symphony musician, the blond kid wants to do the home and family thing. One is settled and about to get married...struggling to make ends meet, the other getting ready to jet away to her home country, then to Europe to spend time with her sister and then back to Canada, where she works. Their differences are so great when they are face to face but when they have some distance, they are each others best support and best friends.
It's just never a dull moment around here.
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