We are off to the Emerald City for a few days. Going to celebrate the birthday of a friend turning 60.

I love Seattle. If I had to chose another US city to live in, Seattle would be one of the top choices. The only thing that gives it any negative marks is the number of grey days....not great for someone with SAD.

But I love the area none the less. Fog drifting down the hills off treetops, The ocean, the mountains, the forests. The place has an energy unto itself.

So be good, have fun and have a Happy Halloween weekend!

Kyler's tree is in full fall color. Deep red maple leaves, mixing as they fall with the browns and the yellows, bright spots.

Kyler is my oldest grandson. When his mom found out she was pregnant, and his father freaked out and ran away, she came to us. We wrapped the arms of our family around her, knowing precious few details about the situation other than the child she carried was the child of my eldest son. When a nurse misread a test and there was a concern that the baby might be born with Down's Syndrome, mom said she could not handle it, but could not have another abortion. We talked about it and decided we were willing to raise the child. When the second test revealed a normal child, we rejoiced. We went to lamaze classes, bought baby clothes and toys, and waited. The day of his birth I got sworn at, almost strangled, and my first glimpse at a newborn's first breath. (With the birth of my own children, the damned mirror was always twisted the wrong way)

He looked like Yoda, but I loved every ounce of him.By this time dad had gotten his act somewhat together and come back, and would be in and out of the relationship, but the little man spent many hours with his grandmas. We had our own business at the time, and when mom worked Kyler sat at my side, in his seat, in a booster seat, learning to keyboard first with an old calculator, then an old keyboard and finally at the computer on my lap...I know a few of my clients would have chuckled to know that an 11 month old was helping on their project.

The adults had their ups and downs, and personalities were not meant to meld, but children should not be in the middle. Mom was more needy and needed something she was not going to get, and when that became clear she packed up her toys and went home. Unfortunately her sons were the toys she took away.

Finally after 4 years she will let us talk with them on the phone, but you can hear in their voices and attitudes that mom has poisoned their minds about us as she did about their father. But we still call on birthdays.

I miss my little man...hes 13 now...old enough, in some cultures, to be a man. I hope he is growing as tall as his tree, and has some place to learn the presence of that tree.

Oh, and the tree thing.....each of us, 2 footed and 4 footed have a tree/bush in the yard. Some of us chose our trees, but most were planeted to honor them, at birth, at death. We planted Kyler's tree on his first birthday, His favorite spring task was to see how much the tree had grown compared to his own growth.

Lesbian Parenting

Tonight we went into a local tech college, to present a panel for a gender studies class. The panel was on lesbian parenting, but was also strategically planned to be just before the November vote on the marriage amendment.

I have done these a couple of times before, much more generic with much younger students as a part of a human sexuality section at the University. This class was adults, and the dynamic was quite different. For the most part we just did a short bit on the agency, and then through things open to questions. They were amazing. Everything from the standard questions about "when/how did you know you were a lesbian?", to the "how do lesbians have sex?" For about 90 minutes, we answered any question they wanted to ask, and they were given specifics by their instructor about respectful questioning.

For me, the most unique question was raised by a younger womon who wanted to know if I breast fed my children. I explained that I tried with my first two i was unable. She was stuck on the idea that breast feeding offered a special bond, one that two fathers could never hope to approximate. Most of the class argued against that idea. Then there was the mom who wanted to know when she should start telling her kids about homosexuals and families with 2 moms or 2 dads. I suggested that first she should teach her children how to be respectful of people and differences, how to value diversity, and then when the kids began to ask, giving them age appropriate answers would be the "right time" to tell them.

I love doing the speaking engagements. The more often we tell our stories, the more often people get to know us a bit, know that we are no different as people than they are....the more comfortable they become with the idea that we all deserve equal rights.

Dancing and other interesting activities

Its been a jam packed week.

My book group has died from lack of interest. This somehow does not surprise me, all of our book clubs have been one season wonders. I do not know if its that we do not read enough, don't really want to talk about what we have read, or have too many other things on our plate. But after two months of waiting for no one to show up.....I'm done!

Went to an event we sponsored with the Senior Center, as a part of the LGBT Senior Alliance. There was food and wine and country dance (I even danced....learned and twisted my knees up because I was doing it in tennis shoes). Prior there was discussion about the name, and whether it would keep people from attending. I do not know that I consider myself a Senior.I know my grandkids probably do (and my kids always have) but what is the definition of "senior" and when do we want to accept that as a part of our self definition? I know I am not ready to be a "senior"....maybe once I have retired (that should be when I am about 95). I know that calling the event something that is part of the Senior Alliance is not going to do much for attendance.
In spite of the fact that we need to begin to look at those kinds of things, most of us are not ready for the label or what it implies.

Last night was game night. It is an event that has ups and downs in terms of attendance, but the wimmin who come really enjoy it. Its just one of those social engagements you can count on. When it is a small group, I think we do more just talking than we do game playing. Last night was one of those. Friend K who came up with the idea at first, but then had life changes that kept her from being involved. She was able to participate last night. Being a drop in group, we get a range of participants....from those who want to play mindless games to the trivia addicts....and of course last night we had a bit of each. But it worked out ok.
K is a story teller extraordinaire, and has lead a "Forrest Gump" kind of life. We finallly got our center reception volunteer to join us by bringing the phone over to us, and one of our long time regulars finally opened up and started to talk about herself. We had a great evening. A bottle of wine, some great munchies, lots of stories and laughs and a few games.

Today I get to tear down the photo "gallery" display we put up in the capitol Rotunda two weeks ago, and then it's dinner with my friend D...who is having a rough time at the moment being caught between a mindset that far exceeds the small town, and the people who are small town.

Sunday, I collapse, but not....there are a thousand house things i should be doing....both in and outside. Will I? who knows!

what to do when I grow up!

My doc is a good friend. She is the best doc I have ever had, but more than that she is a good friend.
Years ago when she let slip about her "friend" (of 30 years no less) we crossed the line from just patient to friends, and that has continued to grow. She calls just to check in (as we do) and we spend an hour or so chatting about life.

She is bound and determined that she will get me employed in something that gives me the health coverage that she knows I need. Her latest suggestion is that I become a PA. She thinks I have the skills and temperment. It will only take a little school.
mmmm.....more like 2 years after the basic batchelors. And then their is the whole issue of working climate....can I even consider being part of an establishment that tells people how their illness can be treated based not on sound medical principle but on the financial...the same system that will judge her performance not on the good she does as a doctor, but by the compliance of her patients.

I appreciate her good thoughts, compliments to my skills and concern, but the medical establishment is nothing but corporate in medical white.

however....this does not resolve the question of "what do I want to do with my life"....

consulting....

its been well over a year that I have been doing the consultant thing to earn a living. It has its plusses (i have much more control of my time, and I am pretty much "the boss of me". The down sides are no benefits (no benefits, no benefits, no benefits) and the need to set aside the tithe required of all citizens (taxes). The other side of it all is that the places I have given my services to are not big budget groups, the pay, with no beni's is a pittance.

here i sit once again, as this job winds to an end (tho they want me to stay, there is no staff position possible and they can really only afford me long term a few hours a week)

what now? as the title implies, i feel without anchor or rudder....floating without directon.

not a whine, just searching. thinking out loud.
i have skills...people always want me around for the skills that I have. I do what needs to be done, with a minimum of static. I kick in and work until something is done. I am an organizer (of people and things and facts). I know how to refine things, be it a graphic/design project, a fundraising letter, a process. Yeah, i know, not exactly marketable skills.
Because I do not have a college degree, I have been most often put into the "entry level" positions. I tend to bust out of them quickly, because my skill set is far beyond entry level. I just do not know how to quantify it and package it so that I can feel comfortable applying for something beyond entry level. but the financial crunch looms once again...so i have to do something soon

its almost done....for this round

after weeks and weeks of being jerked around one day to the next by a control freak of a volunteer, who percieves her power to be more than it should be, who takes originals home with her and then returns them in dribs and drabs and total disarray (woven through her own junk).....the audit process is almost at an end (for '05), however she just dumped the whole project account (that she took over last year so it would make sense) on my desk to resolve and reconcile. Before the audit is complete, this must be resolved, or we lose our state's blessing to raise funds as a charitable organization.
so..no pressure or anything.

but the auditors were in all day, doing fieldwork, asking questions, requesting documentation, and we were happily able to respond with the info they needed (only two bits will need to be faxed tomorrow.

Then, joy of joys, I get to spend the next many weeks doing 06, none of which has not even been entered into the computer.

happy, happy, joy, joy!

Snow!

Yes, that's right....last night it snowed...there was snow on my back deck when I woke up this morning. And it flurried through out the day.

Nothing stuck (the ground is too warm) but...in the middle of October....IT SNOWED.

National Coming Out Day (10/11/06)

Thanks to Sassy for the reminder about National Coming Out Day, October 11, 2006! I wish I could get the thrid party stuff to work so I could share with you the Keith Haring graphic that Sassy posted on her blog....check it out.

The theme for National Coming Out Day is "Talk about it". Consider doing that on your blog too.

Telling coming out stories is something I do often. My current consultant work is at an LGBT community center, and I volunteer there as well. In my drop-in group, we often do "coming out stories" as a topic of discussion. Everyone loves to tell their story. For me, there are many coming out stories, and I am sure there will be more. There was coming out to myself after 2 failed marriages with men (but I did get my 3 kids). Then there was coming out to friends, first the lesbian friends, then my kids, then the str8 friends. Coming out at a job (safely surrounded by lesbians) was empowering, coming out in a corporate setting, to my younger sister's grade school buddy, was almost matter of fact, but still.... There are lots more, simple ones, complex ones, and there will be more.

Coming out, being out, living as a lesbian. These are choices...MY choices. They are choices I make again and again, sometimes every day.

A few posts back, I took on a group (who have visited in mass numbers but only a few commented, and none opened any dialogue)-- Married Lesbians. Hell, I could be one of them, except for one small detail, altho I was married (twice, in fact) and I came out later in life, I choose to live honestly, and I believe that a womon who claims to be a lesbian, but continues to live with a husband is at the very least, dishonest. I understand there are a few extenuating circumstances (precious few), and the wimmin in those circumstances have my deepest understanding.The rest can rarely be honest with themselves much less others, are usually defensive and nasty, and I choose not to stay in contact with them.

I respect the risks our foremothers and all of the gay men, queens etc who have gone before us have taken. Its due to their willingness to be honest, open and out, that I can live the life I live today as an out Lesbian. I am an activist, not radical, but an activist none the less. I get involved, I take the risks I do so that my children, my grandchildren, can see life differently than I did as a child.

I have a pretty good life. I have a roof over my head, my family is aware and loving. I have my struggles, but we all do. When I was a kid, all i knew i wanted was to be a mom. At the time, there was only one viable option, so I focused on that and there were no examples of other options so, I blocked out anything that might keep me from being a mom. When I hear about, or meet youth who are aware of the fact that they are lesbians or gay/bi/trans....as kids. WOW!!!! My heart sings for them, because I know they will have one or two less struggles in life than many in my generation.

SO......
Come out, first to yourself...say it out loud. look in the mirror and say it to yourself.
Say it to someone else...anyone.
Talk about it.

The more we tell our stories, the less people will fear us. But lest you think otherwise, coming out is not about them, its about us....its about being proud of who we are, not letting others tell us we are wrong. Its about being honest with yourself.
Who knows....maybe someone will give you a toaster oven!

Voting

Once upon a time, I was pretty apolitical. I voted, but without much thought, did not much like the games politicians played and did not really think my vote mattered much.

Then I began to get involved, became an activist. I still don't like the games politicians play, and I really can't see my vote mattering all that much, but I know that if I don't vote, I validate the many others who don't and the larger that group grows the less real impact the people have on what happens. AND if I want a say in what happens in the world, I have to at least try to impact things through the normal routes (mostly voting).

This November we will vote on a referendum that speaks to the ugliness in the hearts of the religious right, and how hatred has slipped in through the cracks of reality thanks to these folks. they want to amend our state constitution for "the protection of the institution of marriage". What they want to do is to institutionalize hatred of anything that is not a reflection of who they are. But who are they...perfect? Marriage in this country has a 1 for 2 failure rate. Religious leaders (and politicians) are using their power positions to abuse. But these are the people who stand up for something that will deny our families the right to health care, the right to be treated with respect

Marriage is a civil contract that mandates both rights and responsibilities. Str8 people can marry with or without the church, why not the rest of us? Back to where I started this thought is the election coming up in a month. I do not know what the results will be. I won't pontificate or guess. I am terrified that too many people are apathetic, and that will skew the vote.

Either way, the work will continue.

Love Makes a Family

Its a photo exhibit that travels the country showing the diversity of people that define the word family.

We just set it up in the Capitol Rotunda. It is pretty impressive. Way too many words...it will take people a good couple of hours standing there reading to take in all the text. Each photo comes with a quote from one of the people in the photos (and most often the children) and then two or three placards with text. It was kind of cool that two of our hometown families are part of the exhibit. Nice too that we could get the exhibit into our capitol building just before the elections.

http://www.lovemakesafamily.org/lovemakesafamily.php

blogger beta

has anyone yet ported their blog over to blogger beta?
what have the results been? Was it a blog with a hand coded (tweaked) template?
I really only care about using the catagory feature.

please share your experiences?

the mistress of grace and coordination

....strikes again.

i was supposed to be setting up the tent and readying the beads and tee-shirts to sell.

i was supposed to avoid the large concrete cinderblocks we brought with us to keep the tent from kiting off in the wind.

i was not supposed to trip on one cinderblock and fall flat on my face.

you think i exaggerate? well maybe I need to be more specific. I landed on the concrete on both knees (and I am a big girl so that was quite a lovely sound/picture in itself), but that was not good enough....the speed i was traveling (i was trying to get the damned thing ready for the throngs of Badger fans that would soon be walking past and hopefully buying shirts and beads) I kept moving forward. my hands hit the concrete next, and if that weren't bad enough my face finally ended the journey.

copious amounts of blood later, I emerged with a trashed/scraped knee, two palms a bit worse for wear, but the best was my face. from the tip of my nose to my hairline is trashed. most of it is just road rash, but about an inch an a half across the bridge of my nose i am sporting a deep gash, a few layers of skin and a chunk of nose missing. I am a sight.

i escaped early and came home for a long soak, but damn I hurt.

beyond the scrapes, aches and bruises:
    my glasses are scratched beyond usefulness
    I couldn't wear them anyway, it was the bridge of the glasses that gouged out the chunk of skin...and that hurts
    and I never got my bratwurst becaise i left before lunch!

so now I will take my iPod with an audio book on it (since I can barely see close or far ....thank goodness for spell check), and hide away for a while, and feel stupid....and hurt.

Married Lesbians

This is a concept I do not understand.

The womon claims to be a lesbian. But she remains married. There are no extenuating circumstances like health issues or even children. She stays married to a man who hates gay people and plays around with women, having affairs and lying to her husband.

In my book, that makes her a scam artist.

Once I was on a lesbian email list and there was a woman who was married and when I asked her about it onlist, she was defensive and said she had her reasons and didn;t want to talk about it. When I pushed the issue a little, I was roundly attacked by her friends. I left that list soon after.

For me being a lesbian is not a choice, but living as a lesbian is. I choose to live as a lesbian. It means I have access to many things, and it means I am excluded from many things. For those who choose to stay closeted, they have to do what is right for them. But the ones who straddle both sides of the fence....take from both sides and give back to none.

Then you have a creep like Foley....talk about playing both sides. Republican, solidly in the camp of the extremists, fighting the pedophiles, Mr Staunch. and in reality he is a highly closeted gay man. Caught in the act of playing games with underaged youth, he suddenly enters a treatment facility and announces he was abused by the clergy as a teen. Come on......
None of that excuses the fact that he wrote explicit emails and IM's to young men. The fact that those in the know have known about his gayness for ages and a day does not change it either. Who ever he is, was, or wants to be, he is an abuser. Abuse is a power game, and all the extras determine the kind of damage done, but its still a power abuse. And what part of Congressman vs the Page does not reek of power play.

Our world is going to hell in a handbasket (to use a rather dated phrase.

how many children have to die before we limit access to firearms?

in a few short days, we have seen a homeless person go into a school, sexually abuse children, and then murder them, then there was the angry young man who went into the school and killed those in his path to pay back the bullies, and then we have the man who entered a school and bound young women and executed them, picking and choosing which could leave and which would stay, and leaving notes for wife and children apologizing,....but his killings were about a 20 year old vendetta.

I don't mean to simplify any of those situations, because they were much more complex than i have stated, but they all speak to the ease that weapons can be accessed....

it makes me ill.
I worry about my grandchildren going into school and being confronted by the gun toting crazy...about the girls being assaulted, the boys being harassed, and any of them just snapping and .........

i know all the arguments on both sides about gun control. BUT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE...

weekend

Did none of what I had planned to do yesterday morning. I had plans of cleaning the house up a bit, and beginning the clothes switch from summer to winter clothes (I have already had a couple of turtlenecks on in the last week....) But none of that happened. We had a couple of errands to run and then just decided to play hookey. Drove around looking at the leaves changing (the early ones) and the countryside. It was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

The final stop was the grocery store, for dinner fixins. The culinary expressions for the weekend included a lasagna and toll house cookies. Due to the request for an old-fashioned lasagna (one in which the sauce has to cook for at least a few hours) and the lateness of the day, oven baked fish was on tap for dinner. Unfortunately all of the little tastes here and little tastes there made a dinner meal out of the question.

Today, its brunch out with one of the few politicians I trust. My friend D is dealing with her own crisis, a working situation that is untenable. We will graze through the brunch buffet and drink coffee. Knowing that we can not solve the problems of the world, coming up with answers and solutions none the less, and enjoy each others company.

This is what a weekend should be.

i don't get it

they are afraid of us marrying, they have to protect their institutions. But they forget to address that on a wide scale basis it is their own, the people they put into power, those they gave the power to protect them from us....who are violating the public (and private) trust.

How may times over the last 20 years have we heard about a seated politician, male, having inappropriate contact with a much younger member of the same sex? Never mind that they are using power and position to take advantage of someone younger, less experienced. Never mind that they are entrusted with the best interests of their constituents, never mind that they are using that power and clout to judge others. Don't these people realize that first they are who they legislate against (of course their money and power guarantee that they will not feel the full extent of these laws)....they are that clueless about consistent ethics, but they are doing what they do in plain sight of the world. They use work computers, they do things on work time, as their employeers, we have the right and responsibility to demand more than that....to demand dismissal and punishment.

as a country we have our priorities messed up big time. We legislate war because a president wants to play war games, but never vet the reasons. We trust people we have no reason to trust....people who have gained their positions by lies and spending gross amounts of money to find out anything bad about someone else and twisting it to make it look worse. We have allowed religion to dictate our laws (when the country was founded on the seperation of those two entities). we prize having more than we need and put little value on the training of our next generation, we prize looking younger than we are more than some peoples general health and well being. we are a mess.

lesbian parenting

I read a blog the other day that purported to be written by a lesbian. It became clear in reading further that in the safety of the internet, she could identify as a lesbian, but in reality her words and phrases made it clear that she was either experimenting or closeted. She was heavy into the christianity thing (not that it would automatically exclude her) and spouting some of the standard condemnation that comes from that camp, but the biggest clue was a little online poll she posted. It was talking about LGBT parenting and whether or not it was a good thing. Her options were (paraphrased), "i dont know/care, i think its not good for the kids, and it might be good to have a two parent family.

The more i thought about it, the angrier I got. She obviously has no clue. Not about being a parent, not about being a lesbian. first parenting is hard, single parenting of more than one child is difficult, the more parents/parental adults the better. Having single parented 3 for many years I think I have a valid perspective. Kids need loving adults to support them in all ways, dividing yourself into parts, to be there for more than one child at a time is damned difficult. One child, one parent; two children, two parents.....makes sense. But more than 2 children, maybe more than two parents is required (i can just hear the hysteria level rising out there in certain minds). Who ever said that marriage and parenting go hand in hand. Our divorce statistics suggest that they have nothing to do with the current reality. Past history would corroborate that fact when you consider that the male of the couple was relegated to the support role - working to provide for his family, and it has only been in the last 25 years or so that fathers have chosen to be involved in active parenting roles.

but back to the point. even though I may have serious questions about the whole marriage issue (why should we want something that is so flawed to begin with, and why should we buy into the status quo) none the less, I stand 100% behind the fight for equal rights under the law....and I think our families need all the support they can get. I believe that 2 parents, 1 parent, 3 parents or more, our children are part of the community and need to be addressed in that light, what ever support we can give every bit counts. Parenting is about love, about teaching, about supporting and about setting limits. It is not about parental gender identity, or numbers.

What I really do not understand is: why, when there are so many other things that need to be focused on, resolved, or at least addressed, WHY have the powers that be decided that they have to focus on "protecting a failing institution from the small group of people who want to support it", and passing moral judgement on people who love, when soiciety itself is falling apart with violence and power abuse. I don't get it.

homemade

i love to make things....I am crafty, I like to cook, I like to make beaded jewelry, I like to knit and crochet
But it used to be good enough to just make....somewhere along the line, it has become important to make for someone.
Which leads to the idea that people have to want what I make.

people do not value hand made anymore (unless it is haute coture, so its not fun anymore to make things.everything is about bigger, better, fancier.

so i have dozens of crafts, waiting to happen, and no reason to do so.