my own issue

Thru this current chaos, there have been lots of people who have offered to help. I nod and thank and promise that if I need the help i will ask.
but
i rarely ask.

i do not like to ask any more than i like to delegate. I know what needs to be done and how it needs to be done. I would rather do it myself. When i absolutely can not do it (mowing the park that is our back lawn qualifies) I will ask, but very few people do i trust to follow through.

i used to be the one who was always there before someone needed to ask, always willing to do what ever was needed, always willing to add one more thing to my plate to help someone out. and of course people always made the return offer “if you ever need anything, just ask”.
I am pretty self sufficient, didn't often need help, if i couldn't do it myself it didn't happen.

Then i became a single parent of 3 young children, no job, no education, few skills. I scrambled a lot. I was still there for other people. THAT was a skill i had and was proud of..... I do not trust easily. On the surface, few would know that, i don't make it obvious. I just don't count on many people. And the rare time I do, invariably i find I never should have. Not that people are intentionally unkind, or dismissive, they just make offers that they can't/won't/don't follow through on. Counting on someone to honor a promise/offer that they don't do is hurtful. Waiting until you are desperate, and then being disappointed is devastating. so i just stopped asking, counting on people to be true to their offer.

its hard sometimes. martyrdom is an easy cop-out when I feel totally behind the 8-ball, but it is still easier than the disappointment.

Catching up?

Not really.
The further ahead I get, the further behind I feel.

Most of the major bits are completed for both events. I have two major tasks. a 40 page program booklet for the awards banquet, and contacting all those who have volunteered for pride and slotting them for the weekend. The Banquet table setups and dinner counts will be a no-brainer, and all the signage simple too.

In there somewhere I have to do laundry...clean the house, make the soup i have the meat for, figure out what I am going to wear for the banquet, and still keep up with the daily schedule of medication, the weekly doctors appointments, dealing with home health (who have to call 6 times a week but can not manage to get the ordered supplies here correctly or with any certainty), and the moral support for all and sundry.

I am amazed that I am keeping up with all of it. Every day we come up against something that someone else was supposed to do and didn't, so that is added to one or the other of our plates. The other chair of the Pride committee is as much of a control freak as I am and the kind of person who understands responsibility the same way we do, so at least we can share the load with him. All the lost boys (the younger gay men that have adopted us as psuedo-moms are more needy than helpful and just too much to bear at the moment, but they are good kids, with their hearts in the right place....they just lack follow through.

ah well it will be over soon.....right?

Bigotry

is disgusting.

it is even more disgusting when it comes from an already marginalized community.

In less than two weeks we will have our awards banquet. I am thrilled that my work in the community will be recognized. I am just as thrilled to see my co-honorees be acknowledged. the banquet honors the organization of the year, the ally of the year, the volunteer of the year, the man of the year and the woman of the year.

This year our womon of the year happens to also be transgendered. I only bring it up because that fact has brought out the worst of my community. there is a small faction who has decided to make waves because our Woman of the year was not born biologically a woman. The woman who is behind this had nominated a friend of hers and has a case of sour grapes about the fact that her friend did not win. There are lots of other little details that really make no difference in the long run. what saddens me and disgusts me is the fact that the hatefulness is coming from with in the lesbian community. The excuses have run the gamut from the fact that no one knows if the winner is a lesbian (the award is not for str8 wimmin, but if you are part of the LGBT community, you are not going to be asked about your sex life) to the woman born woman argument. She even tried to question the process (which she chaired only 2 years ago....so she knows all the rules).

People who insist on promoting bigotry even within a group that is already discriminated against are pitiable, shallow people.

a meme from Average Jane

This unique collection of information comes from the blog of Average Jane

accent: Midwestern US

booze: when i imbibe (which is less and less often) I go for taste. Grand Marinier for sipping, medium dry white wine, a good slush, raspberry coolers, bloody mary. It's a good thing I do not drink much

chore I hate: laundry

dogs/cats: 1 dog, black lab

essential electronics: laptop, ipod, tv & remote

favorite perfume/cologne: vanderbilt

gold/silver: silver most often, but gold is good too.

hometown: MadCity

insomnia: uniquely so these days

job title: um,,,,everything but employee.

kids: 3, and 9 grands

living arrangements: 3 bedroom, two bath ranch home, just the two of us now....and one pup.

most admired trait: mamabear

number of jobs I've had: OMG i havent enough fingers to count.

overnight hospital stays: 5: 3 kids, 1 kidney stone, 1 hysterectomy

phobia: bees, stingy things, birds in buildings

quote: It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for
something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we
have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to
the lonely.
-- Leo F. Buscaglia -- 1924-1998

rock song I like: way too many songs that I like, rock, pop, folk, broadway, ......

siblings: 1 sister

time I usually wake up: there is no usual these days, but it tends to be between 6 and 8a

unusual talent: hmmmmm responsibility. it seems sad that it is unusual these days, but its true

vegetables I refuse to eat: sauerkraut is not technically a veggie, and i like cabbage. bell peppers are not anything I would choose to eat.

worst habit: procrastination

x-rays: nothing beyond the usual

yummy foods I make: potato soup, vegetable beef soup, meatloaf, spaghetti, chili, amd lots more I cant think of right now. I love to cook

zodiac sign: pisces

im so tired i could cry

but i cant.

I am at the point that if i begin to cry, i may never stop.

and i have too much to do to lose the time.

bah

Nurse Cratchit to the fore

That is my nickname for the moment. I have become the rule keeper, the enforcer of “no you can't work today” and if you need that done, I will do it. Add that to chief cook and bottle washer with no support staff, doing a paid job as a volunteer to make sure the paycheck (the only one at the moment) comes in, plus my own volunteer stuff, then my major volunteer commitment, plus the 2 major pieces that other volunteers have dropped (the other “responsible” member left is picking up other parts) is also in full swing. add that to monitoring and preparing a whole new set of dietary issues......

what you have before you is a stressed out, exhausted individual who is very close to the edge.....with no end in sight.

i have had lots of offers of help, but there is not much anyone else can help with. I am also not very likely to accept many offers, because most often people offer as a matter of habit, and follow through is rare. I have a rather cynical view of people for the most part. Most people want to offer their help, but they rarely come through. And heaven forbid you actually count on someone, .....they are the ones who are least likely to be there when you need them.

Once in my life I was the one who was always there, to do what was needed. I would make the meal to bring over, I would do the running, pick up the needed item, do the task that needed to be done. Everyone knew I was the one who could be counted on, and of course i was told “if youever need.....anything....just ask” Yeah, right.

I learned the hard way. Count on no-one. People are just to busy to bother. Or they just don't get it.

So I run myself ragged, and collapse when its all over. When will it be over?

Sometime mid July from the looks of it. [sigh]

what ever happened to .....

Commitment, responsibility, honoring your promises?

sometimes i feel like there are only about 5 of us in the world who actually do that, and we end up picking up every one else's pieces.

i am frustrated today...its been a shitty week..actually couple of weeks. “N” has been fighting a wicked infection that went systemic and now there is bone involved. That necessitated a 4 day stint in the hospital and a 6 week minimum commitment to a heavy duty antibiotic regimen through a shunt (actually a pic line that feeds it directly into her heart). Luckily that is home treatment, and I have done it before. It only takes an hour, every eight. It also means she is down for the count for at least a few weeks.

Perfect timing. 3 weeks before the two biggest events of the year that she is responsible for. My job (thank the goddess I do not have a 9-5 job right now) is to keep her from over doing, and pick up all the pieces I can to help out. I do not mind that....I have been the chair for the dinner before, and worked almost every other part of it.....the Pride stuff, we have been doing as a team of 3, and it will just become a team of 2. Where I get very frustrated is the other people who have their own parts to do, ARENT! Some are, but some have just left us holding the bag.

I do not understand people who do not take their volunteer responsibilities as seriously as others.

What is the purpose of hospitals?

You do not go to a hospital to get well, it is impossible to get well when you get no sleep, your medication and tests happen on someone elses schedule, not the right one. Doc prescribes a vital med, it could be hours before you get it because they have protocols.
I have no issue with the people actually doing the work, but more the bean counters, the administrators, the people who answer to the money people.
Why is it that everything costs so much more but what you get for that money is way too much less than you should be getting.

The hospital now has room service, a menu you can call in on and 45 minute service. Scarily enough the food is not half bad. Veggies are real not canned, fruit is too mostly. Meat's are still a bit overcooked, but, all in all its not too bad.

Hospitals provide treatment/medication through overworked staffers, in a less than timely, less than efficient, and sometimes less than effective manner.

I know they are still necessary, but they have fallen into the realm of business as opposed to a place to get help, their main goal is to save money, and then save patients (not on the worker level but on the management level)

im tired.
im fed up with bureaucracy.
i know there probably is no better answer, but i do NOT like this one.

our final graduation of this generation.....

My niece graduated from high school yesterday.

it feels odd. She is the last of the children of their generation to do so. N's niece has another 4 years and the bouncing boy has at least 8, so that will be a long time coming.

It kind of puts a finality out there. The changing of the guard.

My niece will be attending college here in my town this fall. I am looking forward to having her closer. She is a bubbly, bright child, and I adore her.

The speakers at graduation were all pretty similar, everyone talked about the ones going on to college, the ones going into the work force and the ones going to serve their country. I did not think I would ever hear that last one again, naive though I may be, I thought this country learned its lessons in Vietnam.

One thing that was told these grads was taking responsibility was the way to success. this I need to ponder.

back to the living

thanks for your patience all.
im having a bit of the blues...and at the time i wrote my last entry, i did not even want to put my thoughts into words.
but I am beyond that stage, and missing the outlet of making my words visible.

right now i am semi-employed, doing graphics, when they are available, and the inconsistency of the paycheck along with the lack of insurance are beginning to wear on me. making the decision to go back to working in the real world (rather than the “at home” and when there is a job type) is difficult, because I enjoy setting my own pace. but the negatives are beginning to outweigh the positives.

the volunteer commitments continue, the ones that were supposed to be ending, got extended, the others are about to hit full stride soon, and burnout is becoming a real issue because of the limited pool of willing volunteers. but this too shall pass. One month from now will be the beginning of the end of the biggest of the events. On the plus side, I just found out this evening that I will be honored at the first of those major commitments as Volunteer of the Year.

the saddest thing about that honor, is that at the moment i am too exhausted to enjoy the news. 2 trips to the ER in one day and i am about fried. I am only here now trying to wind down. The first trip was to pick up my son-in-law after a massive gallbladder attack. DD had worked an 8 hour second shift, and then inventory from midnight to 6a and could no longer keep her eyes open, and the bug had her whole night disrupted, and phoned to ask if i could help out. The second trip was to take N in to deal with a raging attack of cellulitis - 4 hours later and a major dousing of heavy duty antibiotics, and we are home again. At least this time it did not get to the “life threatening” stage--one of those is more than enough. Some plans will be changed, but nothing that is life altering. We will miss out on being treated like VIP's at a neighboring Pridefest, and seeing Margaret Cho, but we should make my niece's graduation.

enough sleep deprived babble from me.

taking a short break

my mood is in the pits and I do not wish to inflict my whineyness on you all.
so i will take a bit of a break to get my attitude adjusted.
will still read, may comment if i can do so in the proper mindset.

thanks all for being there....