plants, planting and heat

all of our annuals are in full bloom - overnight.

and a trip to the “Flower Factory” a perennials farm, brought many new plants. - hostas, gayfeathers, and more whose names I do not remember at the moment.

The biggest problem with today - its mid-day and 85F. It should not top 74F (the average high for this day of the year).

I have veggies to plant, and perennials to find homes for. (now planted)

We also have an addition to our patio - a wooden bar that tucks right into the corner. As soon as we sand it and repair a few bits, add a nice coat of stain and polyurethane, it should be a nice addition. then comes the chore of finding some barstools for it. A friend built it a few years ago and this year decided it was too big for his deck....so it made its way to our house. It will be nice for entertaining this summer.

I hope that the powers that be give us as 'squito free a summer this year as last.

I just came in for another cool down break to hear that the highways are buckling from the heat...Oh joy!

time for a shower and some food....tonight we have a fund raiser for our Pride weekend. GET YOUR GLO ON!

The eyes have it

new 042
Originally uploaded by purple_moon.

This is the most recent of the photos of my youngest granddaughter. I just found out today that her Mama is paranoid about photos of her daughter on line, so this is the only one i will make public.

such a happy little one at 21 months.

i have no talents, no skills

i fear i am doomed to a life of mediocrity and invisibility.

I have dreams, ideas, wishes and hopes, and yet.....

I can see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, but can't paint it, or photograph it, at best i can describe it, but even in my writing i am less than stellar.

I love crafts of all kinds, but my skill in reproducing what i see is limited, and my creativity is sadly lacking.

I can cook, and love to feed people, but my food is less than stellar, just basic midwest comfort food.

I am a worker bee, life's factory worker. I am the doer. I am bossy and know what i am supposed to know, but Iwork behind the scenes.

I am tired of doing the work for someone else to get all the praise heaped on them. I am tired of never being quite good enough.

maybe I am just tired.

Bug Chasing

about 4 years ago, a good friend was diagnosed as HIV+. It was a shock, but we all weathered it pretty well. After all PWA have much greater life spans these days, the meds are not quite so toxic, and PWA are continuing to live productive lives for many years after diagnosis. So we all adjusted.

This friend had some major changes to go through, including ending 14 year relationship. We stayed in contact, even meeting his new partner (someone he met online who moved here from down south and also is HIV+), who we found very easy to like. A while later we heard he had gotten involved with another man.....but , no we shouldn't worry, he hadn't abandoned M, the new man was a part of the relationship.

Good grief, first AIDS, then polyamory. But we adjusted. A was after all a good friend. We don't spend a lot of social time with the triad....but we are still pretty close to A.

Where is this all leading, and what does the title have to do with anything?
No it is not a reference to chasing my grandaughter (nicknamed Bug).

Bug chasing is a new phenomenon. Here are some excerpts from a news cast on our local tv station:

It's a new age, with a new message about HIV. “Knowing,” they say, is beautiful. But the images of PSAs like the “Knowing Is Beautiful” public service campaign are far removed from ravages of the disease, and the gut-wrenching side effects of toxic drugs that fight it. Some health experts fear that shift has lead to a disturbing phenomenon. A small group of gay men who want to become infected with HIV. They're called, bugchasers.

We spoke with a man we will only identify as Gary (not his real name). He's been living with HIV for over four years. Gary does not practice safe sex, despite that illness. In some cyber circles, that makes Gary extremely desirable.

“There was a young man in town that I found very attractive and we talked online several times. We ended up having sex and he told me that, you know, he didn't really care. He was actually looking for it,” Gary says.

Gary says that man is now HIV positive. He says the man may have contracted the disease during their sexual encounter, or another one. By his account it doesn't really matter. It's what some see as a game of Russian Roulette. Website after website have plenty of others willing to spin the barrel to see where it stops.

“These people are regional and local...and I've chatted with people from and and blah, blah, blah, and I've chatted with people from here in town,” Gary says, saying all were interested in contracting HIV. The internet has helped support bugchasing as a subculture. In this world, even the lingo reflects the value of the virus.

“There's chasers, gifters, bugchasers….and a gifter is a person that's (sic) positive that's looking to infect someone that's negative,” Gary says.
Gary believes his appeal to the men who contact him has more to do with thrill seeking-the high of a social taboo, or the search for the extreme of their sexual identity.

“You're living on the edge of danger. Have you ever been downhill skiing? Have you ever been out of control? Love that rush, wasn't that fun? Can you imagine a bigger rush than playing with death like that?” he asks.

For others, he says, there is a strong feeling of acceptance into the “positive” brotherhood.

For his part though Gary seems oblivious to the realities of AIDS even in this day of medical advancement. He is a carrier, and committed to that role.

“I have sex with consenting adults. I expect them to manage their lives. I am not responsible for how they choose to live their life, because if it's not going to be me, it'll be somebody else. I guarantee it. Because there's people out there that's willing to gift,” he says.

The Public Health Department would only say that the highest rate of increase of HIV infection is no longer among men who have sex with men, and that this is not what they believe to be a public health concern.Because it involves such a small group of people, and is a relatively new phenomenon there are few studies and no legislation against bugchasing.

This “Gary” is my friend....and I never knew about the bug chasing thing.
Maybe its about the fact that when you don't feel like you have a future, safety no longer matters. and for me, the caretaker of the world, the attitude of “i am not responsible” tastes sour. I think i have lost some respect, actually lots of respect.

out of the loop

i have been so disconnected.
a muscle spasm, lots of pain, and medication have only helped this.

seems like i am always in the position of having no sick time available. when you work for yourself its one of the down sides. kind of like single parenting. none of the classic job benefits.

but, until i have this beat, i will be a bit absent.

so play nice, I will be back to read all of your blogs when i don't wince every key i type.

Happy Mother's Day

To all who would lay claim to the title, in any variation on a theme.

To all the children, take the time to let your mom know she matters.

As for me...I am off to celebrate the graduation of my nephew, and his moving into the world of grownup really fast!

Proud....

Saturday my oldest nephew graduates from the University, and a week later he flies to Texas.

Why would he leave the great midwest to go to Texas? He got a job with NASA, to work at Mission Control.

From the time he was little,we knew this young man was destined for greater things.

We are so proud.

To all the Grads of 2006 - Congratulations!!

silence is golden

i was driving through our university campus just yesterday and marveling at the number of students walking wired.

there were the cellphone talkers, and the ipodders, and even the lone bench sitter with a laptop (probably in the wifi zone). For some reason, it caught my attention, and got me thinking. What ever happened to “alone time” or “thinking time”.

i would be lost without my gadgets, but i wonder seriously if the youth of today, who know no life without them, will be better for the loss of thinking time, or will show no difference.

Spring has come

And why do I say this with such certainty?

Yard beautification has begun!

The beginning of the summer long trips to the home improvement store herald the days of fun in the sun for me

This first haul included 4 deck rail flower boxes, red tube lights (those rope lights) to replace the blue ones on the deck from last year, purple tube lights for the gazebo, solar path lighting for the front walk and around the back patio, 3 flats of annuals (some pansies for the front basket, petunias for the back baskets, moss roses and dianthus for the deck boxes, seeds for the veggie garden, a new umbrella for the wrought iron table on the upper part of the deck and a stand, and 2 citronella oil lamps that clamp onto the deck rail.

After a dinner of seafood on the grill, relaxation with a glass of wine, surveying the things done today and.....we are getting there!

Now....if we could only keep the state bird (mosquitos) at bay for the bulk of the summer, we might be able to enjoy the fruits of all our work.

The halfpint turns 5

Our ladybug turned 5 last week.

I am regularly awed by her. such potential. already so affected by the people she most counts on.
She has a vocabulary that is way beyond her years, can sing songs that I have never heard of (and stay on key).
She can pose like Vanna when showing off gifts for the camera, and flatter anyone who cares about her with a smile and a hug.

For a little kid whose parents use her as a bargaining chip for what ever they want at the moment, she has learned to work the system.

children....

they can be the hopes and dreams of our hearts and too they can cut through the heart so deep you don't know how you will survive.

i love my children. i tried to raise them to be the best they could be. Each of them in their own ways have so much goodness in them and yet each chose paths that have been so hurtful....to their own futures as well as those who love them.

how does a parent choose between being protective and letting go when the direction the child is headed is guaranteed to have damaging effects?

i don't have the answers. i have spent their lifetimes giving them rules direction, advise, suggestions, help and what ever i had to offer. they are very good at taking what they want, and then when it is no longer what they want, they walk away. all good i suppose, but there seems to be this need in them to walk away with large chunks of my heart.